DOWN BAD

Grief is incredibly bizarre and it’s not a lie when people say it’s a rollercoaster. I’ve been telling people I’m mostly okay because that’s the truth but in the grand scheme of things your brain chemistry is completely altered after a significant loss and it’s not something often spoken about.

In some ways it’s quite profound the way it changes you overnight. The little things don’t matter anymore, the worries that consumed you previously become minuscule, this silly game of life we play, none of it matters, how can it when the worst has happened? That’s not necessarily a bad thing either.

We gain many masks as we grow but a loss like this shatters all of them to a point where you question who you are and what matters to you, there was the you before the loss and the you after. So not only are you learning to navigate a life without your loved one but who your new self is, you’re almost left with just an empty shell, you grieve for them and grieve for your past self, knowing you’ll never be the same again.

There are still bad days amongst the decent (because at this point you only have decent days) and the triggers still get to you.

Monday is still the hardest day of the week and marks a week further away from the last time he walked this earth. Having dinner and feeling guilty that they’ll never have nice things again. For gods sake I almost cried last week when I realised my brother won’t have garlic bread again.

There are some days that make you wonder how people get through this at all, how everyone doesn’t cease to exist after losing someone that close to you and in fact some people don’t survive it but you look at the people who have, in complete awe whilst understanding that they were changed forever too.

You never “get over it” I can’t see how you possibly could? Someone you spoke to every day, who you hugged so tight the day before they passed, it feels like part of your soul has been amputated. But every day does get easier… then harder…then easier again and I’m sure at some point you feel like you can feel the sunshine again.