DOWN BAD

Now I’ve published a few posts I thought I would introduce myself and the real reason to this new endeavour as a first time blogger. I will admit that I aim to keep this blog as anonymous as possible as the older I get, the more calm and privacy I desire, but that doesn’t change my passion for mental health and wellness. My true belief that we should be able to discuss these things as openly and easily as we discuss the weather, after all we are all human and we all experience this rollercoaster of life. While some people may not experience poor mental health, we should all be as understanding and empathetic to poor mental health as we are to poor physical health.

I was a quiet and shy child, I still am now to be quite honest and still now if I grow comfortable with you, you will see the real me beyond the mask and masking I learnt from early. I knew from a young age, around 8, what I felt wasn’t what I should at that age but as a child you don’t understand the ins and outs of these things and didn’t speak to anyone about it. Some part of me thought it was normal to feel hopeless and full of misery, to be too scared to speak to people I didn’t know and have endless belly aches, but what I didn’t know at that age were the names for it or how to manage it. 

It was only as a teenager that I learnt what depression was and knew I was ticking all the boxes but mental health stigma in the early 2000’s whewww! It wasn’t spoken about, the stigma was much worse than it is now and it was a generally taboo topic which I could never understand. Everything I felt was fobbed off as teenage hormones, which I suppose is fair enough as it can be difficult to differentiate between the two but I knew what I felt. I reached out to a support worker at school about the darker thoughts I was having and we had regular sessions to talk things out. I’m still so grateful to her now for listening to me without judgement (except for when I said my favourite Italian food was spaghetti bolognese and as an Italian woman she gave me a history lesson on how it was an English dish, oops!).

I enrolled in college at 17 after taking a year off after school due to physical health issues and after leaving my very toxic first relationship I felt on top of the world and ready to jump back on the horse. I’d started gaining some traction on social media and my “clout” grew exponentially. I’d always wanted to be famous so I relished being well-known but never let it get to my head, I don’t think I ever could, it was just a huge boost for my confidence. Unfortunately a traumatic experience not long before quickly came to bite my behind and I soon felt completely disconnected from reality. I woke and spent the day unsure if I’d even woken up or was still dreaming; my vision foggy but vivid, overstimulated constantly and overwhelmed by the feeling, I was so afraid that I was going mad. I spoke to my mum about this and she was so supportive, she came with me to my GP appointment and I was I was referred to my first round of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and diagnosed with depersonalisation/derealisation disorder. A lot of people I have spoken to have felt negatively about CBT and it’s true that you should find what works best for you, luckily as the main form of therapy the NHS provides, CBT has always worked well for me. My first round was a huge success and I learnt how to manage my symptoms, I lived my early twenties full of life. 

In 2016 I went through another traumatic experience which has flipped my life upside down up until today in 2025. In 2017 I began having panic attacks which i was completely unable to cope with and self-referred back to therapy, I had an assessment with my first therapist who told me that it sounded like a mild form of PTSD but unfortunately we were unable to continue sessions as I was no longer within that borough. I couldn’t find my local services and gave up hope for a while, the panic attacks consumed me to the point it disrupted my daily life and I forced myself into a health kick to find anything that would make me feel better (which actually worked!). Within a few months I went from avoiding going to work to travelling abroad solo.

I was able to manage my panic attacks for a few years without treatment although in the unhealthiest way, by fleeing when they happened. I began having unsettling physical symptoms and chronic pain in 2019 which brought them back tenfold. I didn’t know what was happening with my body which sent my mental health into overdrive, I was diagnosed with a chronic illness which is usually caused by trauma and my attendance at work slipped because the pain was constant to the point I was unable to walk. As you can imagine HR weren’t so sympathetic to my situation, they brought their company solicitor in to my sickness meeting which sent me so far south mentally, I do not do well with feeling like I’m in trouble and my anxiety became severe. I was in therapy again receiving CBT at this point but it wasn’t helping me.

Now we all know what happened next…the pandemic. BOOOOOO!! *Throws tomatoes*. However at that time it felt like a godsend for me; I was furloughed so I didn’t have to deal with the stress I was experiencing at work, I could rest my body, I wasn’t expected to attend social events so in turn my anxiety was calmer. Little did I know it made me worse entirely, when we returned suddenly to work my anxiety was so high I wasn’t able to manage and quit work entirely to “focus on my physical health” or so I told myself. I spent a year off work as we went in and out of lockdowns and spent 95% of my time indoors which led to the next big thing…agoraphobia. Another BOOOOOO!!!

After a year off work I moved into my first flat without a responsible adult and got a work from home job, but the area I moved to was farther removed from everyone I knew. I had panic attacks everywhere and in any situation. I slowly began isolating myself for the fear of those situations causing a panic attack and developed agoraphobia due to this. In 2023 I became essentially housebound, I would only leave my flat if I absolutely needed to which began to ruin my relationship. The trustworthy and reliable person everyone once knew me as was gone and I lost many friendships, but the people who mattered the most to me have always been so supportive and I am indebted to them for that. I started to do exposure therapy by myself whilst I waited patiently on the long NHS waiting list for therapy a fourth time. I started with short walks around the block and increasing my distance when I grew comfortable with the existing one. Exposure therapy is an extremely slow and lengthy process but when I started doing this with a health professional in 2024 I noticed a huge change. I was gaining my confidence back massively and started to feel hopeful again, I even became a mental health first aider and wellbeing ambassador at work to help others.

Out of all the mental health challenges I’ve had and traumatic events I’ve been through nothing could have possibly prepared me for the sudden loss of my sibling at the end of September 2024. I’ve been fortunate enough to not know the full experience of grief until this late in my life but to lose a sibling as the first does feel like a sick joke. This is a whole new experience, unlike depression or anxiety and navigating it has been intense, I would be lying if I didn’t say I’m not riddled with guilt that my mental health robbed me of so much time with them but I have to stay level headed as it wasn’t something within my control. Their death somehow snapped me back into reality, for the first 2 months of grief I couldn’t care less about the anxiety that once consumed me. It is creeping back now however keeping up a good wellness routine does help to keep it at bay. 

I wrote a lot on social media during the first heavy months of grieving and a friend reached out to me to ask if I’d ever thought about writing a blog. The short and blunt answer is no, I didn’t even know what a blog was! I started to look into it more and wondered what I could do, the answer has always been plain and obvious and has followed me throughout my life. I have been making mental health based content for over a decade across all social media platforms but hated my face being attached to it, I find it draining. Whilst so many people have reached out to me personally to thank me for helping them feel less alone and I’m not ashamed of my mental health issues…something about being the poster girl for mental health feels like you’ve been slapped on national tv naked and bare for everyone to see. When I found out what I could do with a blog, it just felt right! I hope we can build a community here, a safe space to feel understood.

If you’ve got this far, thank you for reading. I’m by no means and expert on mental health and wellness, I’m still learning everyday but I thrive in sharing the tips that help me, in hope that we can all take control of the dark moments of our minds and live a full, healthy life. After all, our minds are not our enemy, they’re our friends just trying to protect us in the best way they know how.